Well, I can't believe it has been 6 months since I returned from Hungary!
To be honest, life right now is not at all what I expected it to be when I landed in America after a year in Hungary, but I don't know a time in my life that I have grown more in my knowledge of, and relationship with God. I thought that my time in Hungary would be more stretching than anything I could face coming home, I mean I now know what they say to me when I go to checkout at the store! :) But it has been 6 months of crazy ups and downs, joy and heartbreak, faith and fear, need and provision.
A few updates on big things. God has really shown his faithfulness through the church, and that has been something that has amazed me as much as anything! Coming back from Hungary I was definitely tight on money (for some reason being a missionary doesn't pay well, who knew? :) ), but for the first few months I was able to stay with the Bartels, then the last four months I have been adopted into the Cowden clan! I don't really have words that can describe the gratitude and thankfulness I have for the ability to stay at these two places except to say that they have been Jesus to me in their incredible hospitality.
I have also been looking for a full time youth pastor job since returning to Portland, and although I had a few leads, nothing has worked out. I had this expectation, real or not, that when I came back I would quickly get a job full time, but as time has gone on I have realized the need for patience and waiting for God's timing on all of it.
The biggest struggle being back has been battling with being content where God has placed me in life. The prideful part of me absolutely hates "living off" of other peoples generosity because I feel like a 25 (or now 26) year old freeloader, and that wasn't in my plans. I have also struggled with not enjoying work and being so limited in my ability to spend time with students at church. Along with this all I have had to deal with struggles and pain that I has made my life feel even more unsettled and like I have absolutely nothing actually figured out. In the end, though, I think that is exactly where God wants me because never before have I been so dependent on him, and never have I had so much contentment in the midst of so many questions! Sure, my fears are still there and they crop up from time to time, and sure my mind still has the incredible ability to over think something as simple as a short talk. But I know that in the end, God is the one holding me up. He is the one giving me the love that I need to love others. I am more dependent on God now than I was when I left Hungary, which is a shock to me because I thought that was my most challenging year!
To wrap this up I have this verse that is always on my mind in the challenges. "Although he (Jesus) was a son, he learned obedience through what he suffered." (Hebrews 5:8) Jesus suffered like all of us, even more (suffer is a strong word but I think even small things can cause suffering), but in the end he learned obedience to God because of the pain. Think on it. Believe it. Live it.
